I hope you get the herp and dife. The emd.
I recorded his drunk dial calls. My personal favorite was the one that began, "grab the bull by the horns and fuck his cock."
You told me to hold on because you had to barf like a dinosaur.
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?
One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
It's an "im going to have to shit with the lights off" type of morning
You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
SHUT UP I CAN'T HEAR YOU OVER THE SOUND OF UKULELE AND LONLINESS
You should help rebuild my confidence with your dick. Altruism: Pass it on.
I literally cut myself out of my pants. What is my life.
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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