I have another pimple on my ass cheek.
I'll be there in 10 minutes.
Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.
Do you remember trying to use a pencil, pen, and sunglasses as your second form of ID at the bar when they wouldn't let you in last night?
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Body shots with my MILFs MILF!!
All I did was send my mom an ecard
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
Actually, I take that back. You can only have it if I'm allowed to French braid the mullet.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
I think the "tmi" ship sailed a long time ago, and it took our dignities with it..
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
American Eric just peed on us from the second floor. Hes now very confused as to why his "toilet is yelling." Send help.
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
When creating your wedding guest list do you put the girl you & your fiance had a threesome with under your friends or his friends?
I've got a tequila scented hand sanitizer for you.
you're the best roommate i could ever have.
Randomize
