I walked in on my roommate finishing watching something on his computer. There was cum all over his screen. He awkwardly said hi and pulled up his pants.
This is why I'm not putting my name in lights over your bed.
I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now
I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.
Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.
Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?
I have to overdose on valtrex I had a rough weekend.
In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Are these your boobs on my camera?
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