he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.
I should not be in class today. For the professors sake.
She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.
That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.
Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
When people ask about my bruises, I'm just going to say it was a doorknob. Or possibly a group of doorknobs. Angry doorknobs.
You showed up at 4 a.m with two middle-aged men, a 200 dollar bottle of wine, three bottles of beer, no shoes on, and a half eaten red velvet cake.You are never drinking absinthe again.
She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder
Wouldn't life be so much easier if you could just walk up to attractive men and say, "Let me bear your children" and it wouldn't be creepy?
Or possibly end in a restraining order?
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
She has a bong hits for Jesus shirt. Of course I'm going to like her.
Just remember, it's never too late to make a porno
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
Dude. So. Much. Sex. Find a girl in her 30s. Now.
Randomize
