at home by myself drinkin the left over champagne from my party... who says my birthday has to end?
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
i think this is the gayest thing you've ever shown me. and i'm pretty sure you've sent me pictures of a dude sticking his dick in a horse's nose.
I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I should've been more social I guess. I feel bad not meeting the people who willingly sucked alcohol out of my navel...
Then that means he's outwardly conservative. Inwardly he's a total gay horndog. He's like a spy that can ruin conservative plans.
I want to change all my life goals to that.
Remember when you walked in on me sleeping INSIDE a pillowcase?
Is it bad that I'm tindering right now? I'm naked on his couch while he's slaving over legal documents for work. And he doesn't have cable, so what else am I supposed to do?
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I sense lesbianism
That's a weird power
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
How do I tell my boss I have slutty fantasies about him, me and his conference room table?
Randomize
