When my options for Friday night are being a 3rd wheel or bringing a gay man as my date i need to focus on other things in life like having a successful career.
yo im tryna cop a beej tonight
You drank the expired grape juice because you were convinced it had fermented into wine...you have a problem.
hey dude i know youre in the next room but me and your sister need a condom, got any i could borrow?
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?
ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
a homeless man let us know that my friend was asleep in the bushes outside my house on main street. So just a small get together.
Acid king. Jackson puked a lot. Promoter booth. Angry security. No acid. Probably a good thing.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
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