i can't understand anything he's saying. But he spells alcohol right everytime so i deciphered it.
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded
He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
In the middle of our bar crawl last night we stopped to pet dogs at a dog park. who would let a drunk person bet play with their dog???
we were making out in my truck and while she was straddling me she informs me that she jerks off horses for a living. Should I be concerned or flattered?
i dont know whats worse..that i woke up in a gorilla suit or that its covered in peanut butter
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
I told you I couldn't sleep because of the speed and you rolled over and replied "shh. just pretend."
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
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