Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
if socks could get pregnant i would have catholic amounts of kids
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
We have a drunken confused pantless man in our apt. Boots.
we just finished a porn and sex toy shopping spree. this is the fun part of "being serious"
Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.
When you're awkward as a teenager, it never goes away. You just mask it. With makeup. And boobs.
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
You kept yelling "NO CAPES" at me for no apparent reason
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
Philosophical question for you: is it better to go into work slightly drunk or slightly coked out?
I had to put my dog down, accidentally outed my brother, and was given a fucking fish sandwich instead of a Big Mac ALL IN ONE DAY! Am I really the person you want to consult for advice? Hhhmmmmmm?
I can’t believe I made out with a flat earther and didn’t know about it until now!
I've peed in two sinks in the past two weeks. No one should be able to say that.
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