her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
HOLY FUCK I JUST GOT WOKEN UP BY THUNDER!!!!!
I THINK I SHARTED
Yep I can make a seagull sound. It's identical. I tried it. They thought I was talking to them. It's pretty cool.
Found a popcorn kernel in my pubes... Time fir a Brazilian
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I could go for watching some naked price is right. Looks like a good time to me.
You shouldn't have to. I think you should bust into work like "pay homage to my magical vagina!"
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I've literally NEVER been on a date or gotten through one episode of netflix without having sex like I JUST WANT TO WATCH TRUE DETECTIVE
Also, you fell asleep with you hand on and around my cock last night.
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
oh he pulled my dick out. wanna come over after he leaves
GET OFF YOUR PHONE
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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