I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.
Babe! I just farted and I swear to jesus lord christ that it sounded like ur name! Ok, more like Meeatt but still... awesome.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.
He said he wants to make an itinerary for the sex we'll have when I come home.
Thanks for not stopping me when I decided to call my mom at 2 in the morning to ask her where I was born
Occasionally I curse my inner 15 year old when I'm fulfilling their dreams as a slut, but I roll with it.
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
Dude! We had to write our address on your arm in permanent marker so you wouldn't get lost. You just showed the cabbie your arm and he drove you! Nice guy.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
my mom talks about my drinking like its a problem and yet this morning she fills me a solo cup with champagne for the shower.
He's honking my boob in his sleep
It's innocent and endearing in some way
Apparently I drunkenly told him I was going to ride him to the rodeo and break him like a bronco, then I stole his nachos and beer. Adulting is hard!!!
Randomize
