How can something that makes you feel so good one day make you feel so bad the next?
Alcohol?
Sex with a fat chick.
so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.
What...you let him do that?
It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow
He famously once noted that women should wear white "like all other domestic appliances,"
i have to go see a new gyno today. he's a male. i just took 3 shots of tequila. its almost like freshman year... drink alcohol, meet a strange man, let him play with my vagina.
10 dollar pizza all the toppings you want. Wait Until You See This Pizza
nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.
He ate me out. IN THE MORNING. I love less attractive men.
We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
For the record you were pretending you were in a rocket when you drove from wawa to your house. So like 2 minutes of me listening to you making rocket sounds over the phone lmfao
do you want to shower with me?
only if we can drink the jungle juice while we shower
Drunk me made out with someone's girlfriend last night, was invited to their place for a semi-threesome, and then walked home at three am. Can't decide if this is better or worse than drunkenly challenging everyone to taekwondo sparring matches...
Ran into him again last night, stole his glowstick and walked away. The glowstick mountain in my room keeps growing.
and then I drunkenly screamed, "you can ride that Uber all the way to revenge city!"
which was funny until I realized I paid for my enemy's cab to go fuck my ex
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