Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside
Completly hung over at midnight, I knew there was a downside to drinking at 2pm
I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
he put on The Eye of the Tiger while she was in labor.
It wasn't random sex though, it was almost a relationship, built on lies and sex
In the memo line of the check she wrote sexual healing.
There was an awkward moment where I was going for his cock and he reach out and held my hand, thinking that what I was doing
you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night
that actually explains a lot
So for future reference.... it's a little unnerving when I can't get hold of you, and the last communication we had was, "Oh fuck... It's tequila"
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
To be honest, I'm more surprised when you're not high at this point
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