I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.
I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
I don't want to be with anyone who doesn't accept me for who I am. eating cheeseburgers in bed is my favorite activity.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Look, all I can tell ya is I want to drink wine out of a bottle while you eat me. It would be the most fantastic end to finals week. Maybe ever.
Hey, how are you?
No. You're dead to me, you hamster stealing slutbag.
He struggled for a second trying to unhook my bra and I said "4/10. Novice."
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
My parents are coming to visit the 28th. How bad is it that I put a reminder in my phone to "hide sex toys"?
Randomize
