Sorry, its so late. Remember your fat friend with huge boobs. i need her number..its an emergency
I am in a vortex of obligation.
i just ordered an al pacino with double mocha at starbucks.. i'm waiting to see how long it takes the chick to realize what i said.
I think we were cool up until the point where he saw that planned parenthood was on my speed dial.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.
i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines
When I left you, you were walking into a room with a half naked girl. When I returned 2 minutes later, you were locked out of the room naked and she was screaming obscenities from inside. How do you manage to make every girl hat you?
My sugar daddy is a bigger asshole than i am. What's wrong here?
We have so much sex to catch up on
Hold on - sidebar. My best friend just threw a 40 pack of condoms through my window.
Dude, I just hit your nipple with a bottle of lube while you were wearing a shirt, 10 feet away without my glasses and I only have "not bad" aim?
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
