Friends don't let friends fuck ugly girls. WALK AWAY FROM HER!
you may be an alcoholic when your drug dealer calls to yell at you for drinking too
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
This glow in the dark vibrator will get me through this power outage
i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover
He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.
Im sweating champagne and woke up in nothing but a tuxedo jacket. What didnt go wrong last night?
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
I am at Brians in a pirate costume, what the hell am I thinking
Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.
I cant see straight, her clothes are all over my floor and I'm covered in bite marks... No I will not go to brunch with you
Im looking at the faintest of claw marks right now. I just fell in love all over again.
I have to start drinking water I have a drug test to fail at 1:40
Randomize
