My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"
does that mean he doesn't last long?
of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.
I fell asleep at the bar. And the bouncer threw a snowball at my face.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips
Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?
Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
After the 3rd time his brother walked in on us I asked "Does he ever knock?" his reply "This is his room"... Turns out he didn't even live there... I feel like a hoe.
Is it a bad thing that I'm trimming my nose hairs in anticipation for the 8ball to be delivered?
its like my brain is a tree and you are those little cookie elves
We were having margaritas and I was saying "back when I was drinking..." They looked all confused. Then I realized "holy shit they think THIS is drinking?"
I can’t tell if I have feelings for him or if my vagina does.
I think I recall josh coming in to the room to tuck us in and give us a few condoms and I threw them back all furious and told him 'we don't use those.' Oh god
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
