I woke up with a Nike swoosh shaved into my chest hair. my friend got 3 stitches. my phone had a text that simply read "fuck you". I say it was a good party.
There was a punch bowl full of straight vodka. Glass bowl, ladle, vodka, and no punch at all. It was something of a rough night
There's gotta be a happy medium between the guys who only want to sleep with me and the ones that respect me too much to try to sleep with me.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment
I'm at a gyno in Japan. Safe to say every possible rule of etiquette is about to be broken. Buckle up, motherfuckers.
I smoked out of two pipes at the same time while my friends wielded the lighters last night. It felt like I graduated to the next level of stoner.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
I hope I don't have to wait for another triple crown winner to get laid again.
Are you sexting with minion stickers right now?
You know you've been having sex for 9 months when you do Rock Paper Scissors for who has to go on top
i smell like vinegar and tequila i can feel the old people behind me judging
She started crying because the Rugrats grew up
Imagine we only get one cock for the rest of your life. I’d pick his dick. That good!
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