Successfully pulled the houdini tonight. Check that off my list.
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
my mom found me passed out in the kitchen floor with the Brita pitcher.. Happy Mothers Day
Just watched a drunk girl hand her valet ticket to a cop and walk away.
He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.
He wouldn't let me put a red handprint on his face or scream to him everytime he walked away.
Why did you want to do any of that?
If someones last name is Wilson, you are obligated to pretend that you are Tom Hanks and they are a Volleyball and quote the movie when you speak to them.
An old man just slapped my ass and handed me five dollars while I was filling chips at subway. I feel violated, but that was the easiest five dollars I've ever made.
Stop it. You know what r&b does to my body
You're wasting your dick. It needs to be bestowed upon the masses.
I gotta stop fucking the bouncers. We are running out of bars to go to.
I feel like hooking up with you on my floor, sneaking out my window and jumping a fence is an effort that deserves a happy birthday.
woke up. showered n got ready. had sex. and was still 15 minutes early to work... its gonna be a good day!
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
Don't worry. I have logic.... just not morals.
Randomize
