I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome
there's a wrestler here in a Ferrari//puma hoodie who is telling girls his win//loss record as a pickup line.
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
i came on her dog
We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.
& he told me 'I don't think ur a big slut-just kind of an average slut'
HE THINKS THATS A COMPLIMENT!!!!!
I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.
We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
You said you were going to take the sideview mirror to your own car so that nobody would steal it. Thats why you woke up with it.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
Thought about you all night last night, then I fucked the shit out of my boyfriend. Win win for me.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I was just informed that I asked for a glass of wine at the police station
I'm sure it would have gone very well with the cigarette you lit there.
Randomize
