I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
While I was dancing with him in my foil dress he said, "You're like a Chipotle burrito. Don't worry, that's the best complement you could get from me."
you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.
the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.
im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.
No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
Just letting everyone know that I am still alive after last night. On a related note, this is the 15th "I'm not dead!" mass text I've sent. You've got to celebrate the little things.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Oohh. Then yes, he is the Alpha Fuckboy.
I don't know what you slipped me, but my TV is vomming blood right now. Thanks, jerkoff.
MY GOD WHY DIDN'T I TAKE PHOTOS OF HIS CREDIT CARDS WHILE HE WAS SLEEPING
im tired of guys just wanting to hook up with me. im like, guys, i know im pretty and i have a slammin bod and i love making out, but cant someone treat me with respect??
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
I think I may have gotten way too used to using my boobs as an extra hand/pocket...almost stabbed myself in the chin bc I forgot I put my fork there
Randomize
