my dad wants uyo to call him right now...reverse drunk dialing
Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
The weird kid in front of me is reading an article titled "why don't i have a girlfriend?" the article then continues to talk about the mathematical equation for obtaining a girlfriend. exhibit a of why he is single
You tried to poop in the sink last night.
Ive been home for 20 minutes and I'm already in bed with a vodka tonic
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.
Smoked a joint and chugged some pepto. Feeling a lil better... Not sure which is working..... Gonna keep doing both.....
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
So Bodhi just sent me a pic of someone's balls with a message that says "I hope you all have a ballin' night." I don't even know what level of friendship to call this anymore.
Oh my god.
The ballsiest level.
just pleasured myself to USA hockey beating Russia in the shoot out. god bless America.
*6am blends another margarita* *615am blends straight tequila*
I'm covered in jizz and the toll booth lady knew it
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