I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes
And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.
At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.
it makes me cry that so many people are going to see you naked someday.
There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
This storm betta not fuck with taco tuesday
stalking the twitter feeds of girls who have fucked my current fuck buddy makes me glad we use condoms
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
I just bought the spice girls album. We will be doing music videos in the near future. You are our baby spice-- don't fight it
I just got St Patricks day and the day after St Patricks day off, wich I'm pretty sure is as close to a raise as I'll ever get.
I just rolled a blunt at my desk. Happy early Friday!
Nothing says “I spent too much in Vegas” quite like eating a jar of pickles for dinner and planning on cream of celery soup for breakfast tomorrow.
I'm so gassy and it's your fault.
Randomize
