Brought out my three foot martini glass last night, that explains why I haven't left my bed all day long.
So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.
No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.
I made her a sippy cup with eggnog and whiskey. My meditation app told me to go the extra mile for someone today, so I did.
in line at jewel. the cashier is puking in a garbage can while ringing up customers. glad to know im not the only one that 2012 is kicking in the face already.
do you think this outfit says "I maintained my dignity this weekend"?
There was no eligible dick at the ER. I'm pissed. Looks like "Searching for Strange at the Local Free Clinic" is a no go for the name of our first full length album. On the other hand, I got a dilaudid shot and I no longer feel like I have the worst bladder infection of my life.
I knew this night was headed for bad when I was drinking cherry bombs out of a sippy cup in the shower
That moment when the line ‘If you want a hot body you better work bitch’ in Britney Spears’ new song comes on as you’re using two forks to shovel enchilada into your mouth.
The bartender has no bra and is giving out free shots. Call mom I'm getting married.
who is the naked dude on the coffee table
thats jeff, jeff is nice so don't be rude
Nothing will stop me from making the title of my paper "The Great Political Cock Block." Absolutely nothing.
The Vicodin is in the strawberries.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I figure I since I made out with him that I at least had to save his number in my phone.
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