I may have told her we're dating for a handjob, Fake tits are overrated.
maybe tonight we can turn coloring into a drinking game
He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
I found a digiorno pizza in my washing machine.
Just pulled back my covers. Jizz. Jizz everywhere. Hipster jizz everywhere on my only set of sheets.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.
Come part with me. By you sleep! No fun. Idek feelings Sorry for your life.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
You have to commit to sexting. You can't just quit right after I send you pictures of my asshole.
Seriously, come on.
I feel like there's a picture of my ass on the internet right now.
I hate you.
If youre worried about being stabbed, you probably shouldnt be there.
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize
