dinner at cheesecake factory: $40. drinks at yard house: $50. having sex in the VG parking lot while people are staring at you awkwardly: priceless. Goodnight.
Why didn't you tell me that Dad was a registered sex offender?
We were going to tell you eventually, how'd you find out?
Our school resource officer showed us how to use Family Watchdog and pulled up his picture.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I wish you could be here to assess my herpes before he gets here.
He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.
I thought it was my alarm clock, turns out it was her vibrator still going off on the side of my face.
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
you haven't really lived until you are in a situation where your vagina is hanging out
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
Are you wearing clothes?
Fuck no, who do you think I am
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
did you just describe your masturbation session as "rad af??"
Randomize
