That's intense
Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.
You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over
I just talked to a CEO of a fortune 500 company while pooping. I LOVE being self employed.
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I like your house better though. Cause it has febreeze and lube.
I don't think you have any idea how kinky that sounds.
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
Drinking with mariachis at jimmy johns.
Tonight will be judged a success if I walk out without having thrown up on my shirt.
wanna tell me why theres a glass of water stuffed with tamptons in the freezer?
I'll check it out in the morning. Tonight has been reserved for getting baked and covering myself in kittens because THAT IS AN OPTION.
Oh I will totally be your beard, but on one condition I get to watch you and your boy friend have sex.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
If you break up with me one more time it's over.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize
