my drunk step mom just informed me my dad likes reverse cowgirl. Please god kill me.
we were having sex and she freaked out when i said nipple
i found you on the dancefloor with your cell phone to your ear saying that you didn't like the music they played at the club so you were going to listen to your own
Just beat my spinning in office chair record. Almost puked. Totally worth it.
Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today
I apparently started to text you last night. All it said was 'the whole clam'. I hope that means something to you.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
she just called me the flavor packet to her ramen noodles. get me the fuck out of here.
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
He? As in you personified your dick?
Bad part of last night: I puked in my hair. Good part of last night: I assembled a posse.
You kept pulling me aside saying "look what I found"
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Is it good porn? Or is it more of that fucked up Cabbage Patch Doll porn you made us watch
I don't know how I managed to chip the inside of my tooth w/ a turkey and cheeto sandwich, but I think that's what happened.
I'm sorry, a turkey and WHAT sandwich?!?!
Randomize
