I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself
Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade
This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.
I just bedazzled my weight watchers points calculator. You can tell I'm gay.
I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.
theres still like 7 beers in the gutter from the roof party we had last night. i dont know how we got up there. but we need to get those beers down.
I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.
Well good for him for getting your number before he told you he had no money and needed you to pay for his drink!
Alls I remember is making out with that chick.
Nope that was a dude
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
holy shit the woman im hooking up with is closer to my moms age than my own
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
you know its getting late when the "nevers" are turning into "maybe"
Please come pick up your twin. She's tap dancing in her underwear and that's not how you want yourself represented.
Randomize
