Apparently mid blow job I started crying telling her how "Wonderful this blow job is"
He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.
I feel like I should limit myself to one meal prepared from a box per day
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
i think they forgot i was still in the room... she grabbed his balls and said "i feel a fire coming on".
doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.
These people don't understand my stages of drunk
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
She's like the Jonah Hill of sorority sisters.
You can't do wine Netflix and blow jobs in the bed you've had since 5th grade with your parents downstairs
Ya know, one would think a restraining order would keep me from fucking my ex.
She gave me a job then fed me cheesecake in bed. She's a keeper!
I used my mad pharmacist skills to turn ordinary birth control into morning after. I think my professors would be proud.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
