i wish i could google "things to eat in my fridge" so i wouldnt have to go downstairs and be disappointed
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I just hit a new low..poured my beer in an empty coke can so I could drink in walmart.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.
I smell like I just crawled out of a bottle of champagne and landed on the floor of taco bueno.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
Dude, did you really "knight me" and tell me I had permission to bang your sister last night?
I'm watching porn in spanish. Thats studying right?
So I'll bring my machete and we can smoke your shit.
Out of context, that is a hilariously scary message.
What a way to start the day. Staring at penis for 3 hours
It's pretty much my favorite thing ever
I called him Oliver all night
His name is Brandon
Dude... Those don't even start with the same letter...
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
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