First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down
we should start having sex in the shower. less clean up.
Her vagina was like a man-sized safe.
Words of wisdom-never eat a peanut-butter covered banana on a construction site ever again
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
It was like bizarre-o star trek. I shamefully went where every man has gone before.
There's a bag in my room with garbage, a thong, fritos, and an electrical cord. I'm assuming it's yours
........yyyyyyeah that's me
Girl we've come a long way since our first Brazilian wax
Dude she hit me with my own penis and it hurt. I've never been cock slapped but she slapped me with my own cock so it has to be worse.
you were afraid hed set himself on fire so you dumped a box of baking soda on him
Remember that whole "don't let me drink" thing? We should really start sticking to that.
This week I fucked a police officer and called both the Senators from the state I'm in and the one I'm moving to. What have you done since the election?
I woke up to a gigantic ft-long tootsie roll and a note by drunk me with the words "you're welcome"
Dick is dick
Look decision making is not my specialty
Which is why I just spent $33 on a breakfast sandwich coffee and hash browns
Now I know Sunday Funday means fucking till you loose your voice.
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