My drunk dialing habit needs to go. My drunk habit can stay though.
Who is John, and why is his named carved into our toilet?
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
i wish i could, but i promised myself i wouldn't sleep with anyone who couldn't grow a beard for a while. it's not you, it's crosby.
Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.
My neck kind of hurts. I think from sleeping on the concrete.
I'm currently eating a turkey dinner, listening to xplosive by dr. Dre, and drinking rum. Hispanic christmas dinners are the best.
Apparently nick called me at 3 in the morning looking for you because you ate your keys and ran away..do I need to call an ambulance.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
If it makes u feel any better my dick feels pretty tender dude
I just tried to snap you a picture of the CVS where we decided not to become parents.
I'm with the cops, Trish's gay husband stabbed himself and is framing her for attempt of murder and I'm dressed 4 the club I'm wearing leather pants leather jacket leather boots and black club top. Embarrassed
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