Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
He ripped my extensions out during sex, not noticing until this morning when he saw them on the floor. I told him they werent mine and he went and threw them in his sister's room.
Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn
my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...
I talked a bachelorette party out of a 4 person bucket of long islands, and drank it by myself. Please call me a taxi. The fat brides maid just grabbed my cock
We're at that point in our relationship where sweatpants sex has become acceptable...
i knew you were okay when you wanted to eat in the ambulance
At least I tried to be smart when I brought the alarm clock into the bathroom just in case I fell asleep.
Found myself carrying 2 bottles of .89 euro wine about half a mile to where im staying. and someone stopped me and spoke to english. apparently, i reek of drunk american.
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
She was doing hand motions and used straws from drinks like those airport light batons to have me back my "747 jumbo dick" towards you.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
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