Gettin pulled over, can you watch my dog and pay the bils for a while?
Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
Public safety found my id!
And i can't find my bra so i'm assuming they found my bra with my id which would explain the disapproving tone the lady on the phone had.
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
They told me I stole 50 buns and a bottle of mayo and would whisper in their ears to look under my shirt to see what was for breakfast... benefit of starting to drink at 9 am
It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself
I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.
Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
Yo if you blacked out last night, careful going through your purse. There's cocaine in a lollipop wrapper.
Then he rubbed shampoo all over my arm and shouted, "Garnier FUCK THIS."
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
let me assure you that a rugburn on your forehead is the worst side effect of tequila i have experienced to date.
Randomize
