Watching this movie and saying "drink every time you see an animal" was a bad idea...circle of life...holy crap
You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.
I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
i get the sense she is planing new and exciting ways to physically harm me during sex
He gave up on mugging us when Dave wouldn't stop laughing. He was wiggling his finger at the knife and making baby noises and giggling. The guy just walked away.
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
I stole a fireplace last night.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
You know you come from good stock when you can have a family discussion about excuses to scam pain pills from the doctors
I was full on naked standing in his room and I just said "this isn't me" and left.
I'll say this one last time. You are TWENTY FIVE YEARS OLD. You are not going to die alone and this is not the twilight of your life. Stop taking shrooms on your period!!!!
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
Randomize
