Tell her she's as useless as a condom.
Goddamn it, are you fucking her sister?
did you know it's going to storm tonight?
You bitch. At least tell Laura she's a better kisser.
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
Just found out that I was singing john legend songs as I threw up last night. Quality.
just peed on my foot to get a spider off. that lazy.
I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
Just rented the SCUBA equipment. Meet me at the pool to test the underwater beer bong idea.
Do you know why I have a burn shaped like a tiny spork?
My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.
We shouldn't eat pizza in the pool
We r drinking tequila out a glass bottle and smoking weed underwater, pizzas the least of our concern
dude I just found tht weird ass guy u invited last night passed out in my closet.... apparently he "couldn't find the exit"
You literally just told me you're ditching me because of pizza. PIZZA? Wow.
I let a drunk straight girl spank me with a metal paddle at the bar tonight. Remind me to never do that again.
Yea.. And you'll love me a whole lot more when I start letting my vagina make all the decisions..
Randomize
