I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
My goal for the party is to get everyone in a diaper. Reasonable?
she definitely has that "I'll bang you, but then I'll tell your girlfriend" look to her.
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
Heated debate on which is worse. Pissing your pants or puking all over yourself
I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.
my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?
This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.
I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book
I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.
Not sure if it is a new high or new low, but i left a basket on the porch of the sorority I woke up at. It had a description of the Minnie Mouse I woke up next to, and Plan B.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
Yeah, reverse cow girl. She was on top and I was playing Flappy Bird behind her back. Easiest way to have angry sex.
Someone needs to fuck me in my slutty pumpkin costume and I would ideally like it to be you
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