i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
Then we started crawling around on the floor because we couldn't get up so decided to be tigers instead. Gotta love power hour.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
Well, I'm a guy so I don't have one, but if its anything like the inside of my nose, yes, vodka would burn.
So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!
found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him
He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times
Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.
There is only one good excuse for how sore I am right now. And that is incredibly acrobatic sex. Unfortunately for me that is not my excuse.
The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.
Now that it's fall I have to prepare for the imminent arrival of ripped up sweatpants shoved into folded over sequined uggs
If I hear you use the phrase "silky soft scrotum" one more time I swear to God you'll regret it
Is it bad that whip cream tastes like sex to me?
I would never blame a unicorn for anything.....how dare you
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