if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate
Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken
that's the ideal party shoe. cute, but i can still puke in them.
we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.
i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war
I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.
well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded
I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
I feel like the way you told me you weren't pregnant was pretty anticlimactic.
We need a full length mirror. I just ate it trying to look at my shoes on the toilet. But aside from a arm bruise I'm good to go
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
Randomize
