I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Why are you at a bar in Connecticut?
Long story. One that now involves lots of delicious chicken wings om nom nom
I just gift wrapped bread.
We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
I'm sorry but the visual image of you suffocating on vagina is basically hysterical
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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