tell her no need for introductions. and that you've read about her on the back of toilet doors.
Oh shit. I just had to lure him into the bedroom so I could take the list of his negative qualities off the fridge so he wouldn't see.
She passed out in my bed last night before anything happened. She felt really bad about that, so she gave me head when we woke up this morning.
i just opened up my bathroom cabinet to get deodorant and found 4 bottles of natty. Its like the world wants me to miss this interview
Is it too much to ask that he stop calling me 'titty fuck' in public?
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
He texts me "what are you wearing" in the middle of the workday, so naturally I assume he's kidding and respond "the blood of my enemies" #foreveralone
I'm wandering around outside asking things if they are god
Hey I consider Sunday's trip to the ER a success. You're alive and now you know for sure you're not pregnant. I got my highest ever Tetris score. Wins all around.
Quick, I need a picture of your dick. Don't ask questions, just show me your genitals.
I used the line "you don't have enough pillows". Then left. Thought you should know.
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
Randomize
