how does a 20 year old who hasnt gone through puberty yet score the game winning goal? fuck sidney crosby and his small nuts.
i found two dead squirrels on my front step this morning.. do you think they have something to do with my missing phone?
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
In my drunkeness I was planning how to throw up without my parents hearing. I was gonna go for a "run" and just throw up outside.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
I will pee on everything he values.
Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven
I am not being the messenger for your booty call.
I spoon fed you cheerios when you were black out drunk. You owe me one.
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
One day I'll learn not to get drunk on a plane. Today is not that day.
You know what would have been funny if we got arrested last night? The inventory search of the lock box:\n\nContents:\n1 work ID\n1 33 round Glock magazine\n1 set of keys\n1 vibrator\n2 bags fruit snacks\n1 parking hang tag
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
I'm literally about to create a tinder account. Just so someone drives me to get food.
Randomize
