Please return the baby Jesus and sheep to the quad
she told me i should dip my dick in chocolate and then let her blow me since it was her 2 favorite things. weird or my new valentine for this year?
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.
Also you know what's worse than drunk texting? Drunk leaving soup on your hot neighbor's porch.
Note to self: the judgement that occurs when unrolling your last 5 which was used to snort drugs the night before, to pay for alcohol before noon on a Monday is worth just sucking it up and taking an overdraft fee.
Wait a min, you had drugs last night?!
You're getting spoiled, you better send me at least a side boob pic if you wanna see my dick dressed up as Davie Crockett.
Dying on my bathroom floor at 7 am, I would rather be eaten by a shark right now
He can keep it, but if he asks for anything else i'm just going to start pissing on things.
My little brother came home while I was sitting there icing my vagina with a bag of peas. Asshole looks at me, high fives Ryan, then leaves.
How did I get the fat lip, while puking I may or may not have sneezed... Wacking my face into the toilet bowl...
What happened lastnight it looks like I had sex with edward scissor hands....my back is so messed up
my bad i broke a mirror over your back
I just called my kid butt plug. Does that make me a bad mommy??
This may be the most diplomatic thing you've ever said
From now on I'd like to be known as Rampage.
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