My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
We didn't go..parents came home with patron wanting to play drinking games --we asked no questions
Her tattoo has the intellectual profundity of snakes on a plane except you can't laugh.
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
The cop told me to answer for everyone if there was drinking involved and then i threw up in my Luigi's italian ice that i was eating with a pizza slicer
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
she was drinking until 3, woke up at 7, shouted 'I'M STILL DRUNK" and went out for a jog in her thong
Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
He was super stoned and then he compared doing meth to having anal sex and told me to "ride that cowboy." The cowboy being my ex.
He fed me Girl Scout cookies while I was still tied up...what did I do right?
I got home and found him passed out in my tank top so i think i'll put lipstick on him and mass text a picture to everyone in his phone. that's what he gets for eating all my wheat thins
Best news I’ve heard all day. Cookies and dick. What more could a girl ask for?
I’ve officially bought the ticket for my future dick appointment 😂
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