really keith? you showed me your dick and your not gonna text me back
I'm still reeling over the fact that you beat us all at Risk while you were flat on your ass drunk and falling asleep on South America.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
I'm sorry I tried putting my balls in your cup holder.
Damn you and your Monday night power hours.
Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country
I forgot how wholesome of a place a park is when youre not drinking there.
I am in the bathroom at work, pooing while eating pretzels. Hungover Fridays are in full effect
Is drinking before noon still a bad idea if you invent an amazing cocktail?
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
Look fucker, my sensibility and attention to detail is the ONLY REASON you're not dead now
Spotify says I’m in the top 1% of Indigo Girls fans worldwide. Didn’t know I would peak this early.
Aren’t you trying to seem...less lesbian?
Randomize
