I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.
Being persistent has its perks my friend.
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
there are ass prints on the hood of my car.
remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues
I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Beer, water, beer, water, beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer beer so much beer
how does someone with a Masters Degree leave poop in an ashtray in the sink? It just blows my mind
It was Thanksgiving sex. I was thankful for it. Need I say more?
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
That's a lot of judgement coming from a man wearing a dress made from a bedsheet.
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
I'm currently hiding from this horrific thing that we call adulthood. If anyone needs me, I'll be smoking a bowl in the bouncy house.
Randomize
