DUDE. I'm missing my big toenail. My bed has blood all over it. WHAT DID WE DO LAST NIGHT?
I don't know, but I chipped my tooth and I'm wearing different underwear.
They're sharing a mixed drink at a bar with straws...its like a disney movie with booze
Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
He told me he loved me and then asked if we could have sex in the snow
so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry
Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.
Ooooh. Get funfetti
When we were fucking he said and I quote "we're like a sex fajita"
It's funny that when I fall down as an adult I'm so much happier no one saw than that I'm not seriously hurt.
His whole street is under construction. Third walk of shame this week & I'm getting a lot of sympathetic nods from the workers.
Sexual favors are the only currency recognized by the Republic of Greg
I wouldn't hesitate to give up my job to have regular bowel movements again
Bro, she said she wanteo to fuck me with my white Nike cap on so I resemble a douchebag. I think my choice of women might be coming into question
Not all of us can be into hot dads. Some of us have to have commitment issues and be into musicians.
We're so high we're eating flavored lube.
Randomize
