Take 3 tylenol pms and try to whack off before you pass out. It's impossible.
dude, my face is all kinds of fucked up right now. and don't even start with i told you so...
i just watched kanye west and taylor swift have a chugging contest. why cant halloween be every day
Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.
Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.
I asked if he wanted to come over and he said he was busy. Then I sent him a pic of me in the bath with the bottle of wine I already finished and all of a sudden he was free. Booty calls are too easy.
Apparently I got mad at you for "Not drinking with me till we thought we were seahorses" and smashed my face on your door. Then I put my feet in the oven and started crying because I was drinking alcohol from a pot. My life is spinning out of control.
You were being mean. And telling everyone to suck your six inch strap on. People were not pleased
Please be lying.
Im not. Your family was creeped out
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
I'll be home soonish I need 4th of July sex, it's the American thing to do.
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
Hey
Gfdhklhgfxzyuikl$
GODDAMNIT WHY AM I MISSING THIS
Randomize
