i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
i found a roscoes card in my pocket that says 'fuck me bare fo $15.20'. Wow
I'm so excited for this wedding, I feel like a school girl about to get finger launched on the dance floor at the sadie hawkins dance
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
The beer is more important than you right now.
Ya after that i took a dump on a car... We're definitely partying with him again
I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.
You are nothing if not reliable.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
I tried to avoid catching feelings but then he took me out to breakfast
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
