I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life
Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
Don't forget ur talking to the master juggler. Remember that time I slept with 3 guys and made them all pay for plan b? Paid the rent didn't I?
Yeah, I've been trying to get him to eat healthier. Turns out he'll eat almost any fruit or vegetable as long I let him eat it off my body.
That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
At least I had a $10 coupon for Plan B today. Smart shopping for bad decisions
My hungover walk of shame was interrupted by a stranger on a balcony throwing me a beer to shotgun... at 10 a.m....
She bit my shoulder during foreplay last night, and it's already infected. I think she has rabies.
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Randomize
