Do you think "I had sex with my co-worker last night I don't think I can come in today" is a good excuse?
I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
He was drunk at Denny's at 5 am saying how Dear John was the worst movie he has ever seen... eyes filled with tears.
I have no words
Neither did my mom, when she walked in on me squating with my balls in a cup of hot water.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
I want him for more than banging and buying me potato salad. Is this what love feels like?
Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.
I would do everything over again, except the fireball.
Thursday is not a good day to become a felon... It's bingo night
I've got a surprise in the fridge when you get back.
Is it a puppy?
I woke up beside him and almost cried. Then I realized you were on the other side so I knew I hadn't made any bad decisions.
I miss the pre Covid days when we could meet men in bars. Hitting on guys in the grocery store is just depressing
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