don't go home with that guy from jersey
i know, not worth the blood test
but instead of smelling like hand cream and homemade cookies, she smells like a yeast infection.
He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.
i now officially have to be stoned in order to look like my passport when i go to a different country
THE BIG GAY MAD HATTER IS HERE AND HE HAS DRUGS IN HIS PANTS FOR YOU. COME DOWNSTAIRS BITCHEZZZZ
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
So hungover. I dropped my keys and leaning over seemed a terrible idea. Instead I took my shoe off in the middle of the street and use my toes to pick them up. Think I'm a genius.
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Oh god I just had an orgasim riding my bike. I need to get laid pronto.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
Randomize
