If only Ben were 51% gay instead of 49%
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
I'd like to buy a season pass to your dick please.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I am at a cat party and I just witnessed people lapping vodka out of a bowl for a contest. Lol
Taking one of the loudest shits ever at work and I have to say...I'm having a better time than I thought I would
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
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