then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
So some guy at the party is convinced I'm Edward Cullen. He keeps calling me "Twilight" and following me around with a stake. I'm concerned.
I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.
I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.
I don't think ill be here long the chick I came to see is blowing rails with a drag queen
I had a dream about a vibrator with 42 different settings. If that's not a good indication I need to get laid, I don't know what is
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
I get a little bitchy. We all know that
I forgot wine drunk hurts
They just made me take another shot and I found out the liquor store next to my brothers house has a petting zoo
Mind. Blown.
Nxt time we drink that much, we'll have to hide the crayons. Crayola-ing a mural on the living room wall wasnt the brightest idea, but it sure is classy. Right?
Its 6:30pm and dad just drunk called me asking me what the alarm code at home is..... I'm at home, and dad isn't here.....
Randomize
